I now am protecting myself from negative people. Negative people don't nurture, they harm. I REFUSE to be hurt any more in my life!
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Unfortunately, this is what my mother is doing to me and my daughter now. Since my daughter was a little girl and could understand me, I ALWAYS told her the truth. Even when she was 8 years old and asked me to stop smoking pot, I politely told her that I wasn't going to. It hurt her to hear me say that to her. But I had told her then and many times since that time, that I will NEVER TELL HER A LIE -- EVER. And I haven't. Even when my addictions reared it's ugly head severing all contact from her, if I ever so her during that time, I NEVER NOT ONCE lied to her.
When I dropped my addictions and get some help to get off the heavy stuff, I got back on my feet. I started the dialogue again with my daughter in hopes of having a relationship with her. Sadly it seems my narcissistic mother has been behind the scenes feeding my daughter lies about me. So much so, that where once my daughter never doubted that I always told her the truth, is now replaced with doubt and disbelief in what I have to say. My mother has now placed a wedge of doubt in my daughter's mind about me. She is now doing to me and my daughter what her mother did to her and her siblings: DIVIDE AND CONQUER. I see now she intends to COMPLETELY DESTROY any semblance of a relationship that I have with my daughter. And I know from reading about narcissist, that a narcissist will keep on doing this UNTIL THEY WIN. I'm working so damn hard to heal from the trauma of my mother and my father AND keep a good relationship with my daughter. But it seems my narcissistic mother will have none of it and is intent on destroying anything good in my life to better herself. I cried into my husband's arms today, of all days, because it dawned on me that I could quite possibly lose my relationship with my daughter all because of my mother and her narcissistic jealousy. The wedge of doubt in now in my daughter's mind where there was none before. I now can never not prove enough to my daughter on anything I say to her. Thanks to my mother, my daughter now will never see me as a truthful person ever again. AND THAT.... breaks my heart even further. I don't know how to handle the divide and conquer that my mother has placed between me and my daughter. I don't know what to do anymore. Pulling out all the stops, my mother has indeed won. I just hope that it doesn't cost me the relationship of my daughter forever. That's the straight truth! What's a shame is my mother doesn't think she's done anything wrong. As a result no apologies have come my way. She tells everyone around her that she's sorry for not being a good mother but has yet to call me and apologize.
For the last 4 years, when I got myself stable (surroundings only - working on mental wellness), I have spent my turn admitting my wrongs to my daughter, apologizing to every chance I get. I hurt her greatly by not being in her life. I wish I could turn back time and change things but I cannot. Besides the fact that I've hurt my daughter, my mother has spared no expense to get my daughter to believe in her lies about me. The biggest lie? My mother told my daughter that I showed up at her house 7 months pregnant, saying that I wanted to get an abortion. First of all, I showed up at my mother's house when I was 4 MONTHS pregnant, AND NOT 7 months pregnant. I told her that I was going to have the baby and that I needed help. But because of the lies by my mother (the skillful liar and narcissistic manipulator) told my daughter, my daughter refuses to believe the some (not all) truths I've been telling her. And for that, I'm truly deeply hurt by what my mother has done. With working on my healing, I have come to learn that sooner or later the narcissist's lies do get found out. I only wish that they were found out sooner as opposed to later. And in the meantime, everything I've accomplished to heal the relationship with my daughter, my mother is in the background, tearing it all apart. My saving grace right now as far as support, is my husband. We've been through the think and thin together. Some good times (when we weren't in our addictions) and some really bad times (when we were neck deep in addictions). But you know, people can change their ways. We have and still are changing into some really great people. My husband is the loving and caring man I married, the man who is being my rock while I work on my healing. Had it not been for him to support me, I shudder to think what might have and could have happen to me. None of which is not pretty. So if speaking the truth makes people mad at me? So be it. I will no longer lie about the horrors of my past to keep a positive image on the abusers that hurt me. Being a victim of abuse, the abuser will not want you to expose their nefarious deeds for all the world to see. They do not want you to have a voice much less speak out against them. Part of our healing is learning that we do, indeed, have a voice and are allowed to speak the truth about the cause of our hurt. Speaking the truth sets us free from all the abuse that was incurred upon us during our life. Keep on speaking the truth. Then and only then can our healing begin.
Before anyone dispenses "advice" to any survivor, get knowledgeable and KNOW... YOUR... FACTS. Don't be an ignorant jerk and show your backside when making such crappy comments.
This is what life is like for me on a daily basis. I so get tired of being judged by the way I act and react. I also wish that people would understand that the extensive traumas that occurred to me when I as a little girl, are going to take some time to heal from. It wasn't until recent that professionals are realizing that people with PTSD need to learn how to heal from their traumas and that it takes time. So please, stop judging me and expecting me to heal "quickly". Thank you.
I only wish that my family understood this. They do not. They still view and see me as a manipulative dope fiend trying to pull a con one more time. Which is the farthest from the truth. Everything that I have done is because of the trauma of my past. EVERYTHING. But do they understand this? NO. Will they want to understand this? HELL NO. They don't even want to bother to try.
I don't know how long it will take me. But I sure hope that people don't truly expect me to heal in some sort of time frame. I don't think I'm going to heal LIKE THAT. It's going to require lots of time, patience, and hard work. How long? I don't know how long it will take as long as I try moving forward every day.
Since I was a little girl, I have spent my life "being a responsible" adult. I never had a childhood to speak of. I was always having to the be the responsible one that had to take care of the cooking, cleaning, etc. when Dad left me, mother, and brother for the umpteenth time. Mom had to go out and immediately work 2 jobs to keep us from landing in the streets. So I became "mom" of the household for many, many years.
Once I reached into adulthood, I went from being "mom" to being a "caregiver" to everyone. I took care of every one and everything. I had to take care of everything otherwise nothing would get accomplished, Too many times I relied on people to help me out only to fail me time and time again. No one really cared to help but they damn sure didn't mind me helping them. As a result, I have kept to myself. I don't allow anyone come close to me at all now. Too many people since I was little, have hurt me, broke their promises, weren't there when I needed them, and just generally didn't want to help me out. So now, I am alone with no friends. Maybe, just maybe, one day I'll have friends that will be there for me... All my life, I have suppressed my trauma. I moved on from the trauma, doing my best to have a life for myself. Unfortunately, I was not LIVING. I WAS... SURVIVING and surviving on automatic. I had repressed emotions and memories for so long, it just seemed normal to always display happiness and that nothing was truly wrong with me.
As a result, my life has been where my past runs my present. That is where I'm at now. My life is a mess. Because I have not dealt with anything until now, I a having to learn many things, heal from many things. One day, i know that with all this healing I'm doing, my past will no longer run my present OR my future. |