But those kind of days? I have to be talking to people and get out of my head. If I don't, I'll lose myself within myself for God knows how long before I come up out of it.
Some days, I can make it a day at a time. The others? Depends. Sometimes it's hour by hour. Every now and again do the minute by minute survival day(s) comes up.
But those kind of days? I have to be talking to people and get out of my head. If I don't, I'll lose myself within myself for God knows how long before I come up out of it.
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I care very deeply for people. I have a heart that is as big as the outdoors. AKA - A servant's heart. For many years I disliked being this way. Sometimes it felt like such a burden.
But then that all changed. Couldn't tell you when - I just know it happened. I am drawn to people like me: lost, abandoned, abused, hurt. I understand that plight and that feeling. Those that have experienced this very well know how the world sees us: WE... ARE THE INVISIBLE PEOPLE. And some days, we feel like this. But helping others? To see the smile on someone's face - to see that relief when you've helped.... that LOOK.... makes me feel like a mama hen. Ahhh... the spirit of discernment is very rewarding. And those that understand this feeling, know exactly what I'm talking about. After so many years of horrendous abuse, no one... absolutely NO ONE..... should ever have to endure any form of abuse. So until I reach my last breath, I will always help others. ALWAYS. It's not to get KUDOS from God. That's always nice but that's not what it's all about. It's about making my soul happy. That's why I do it. Everything above is me and has been me for a very long time. I still parent and care for people beyond what's required of me. I also don't meet my own needs. How can I? It's a daily fight telling myself that I'm worth it and having to believe in that statement when every fiber of my being says otherwise.
I hate the fact that I've got to undo the mess I've known for so long and go the opposite, positive way. And for me attempting to turn my life around? Scares the hell out of me. How many times in my past when I tried to do some healing, it never lasted long. After so many times of this pattern, I just simply stopped trying. So here I am once again - trying. And hoping that for once... just once.... a different outcome will occur. Only time will tell. Having never known this place my whole life so far, I am working on finding it...
It is a place not full of fear... It is a place where my past doesn't run my present... It is a place where I believe in the positives of self and not the negatives... It is a place where sunlight is prevalent and darkness is not. It is a place where friends are trustworthy and loving.... It is a place filled with love and happiness. It's gonna take me hard work and patience. But I'm gonna find that place once and for all! I am learning to walk away from the negativity in my life by listening to that little voice inside me. By doing so, my life has become less chaotic. But I also need to learn to stop listening to the negativity within self and learn to walk away from it. It's a process, long
When we are trying to heal ourselves, it is often hard to let go of those that do us harm. Why? More often than not, they are our family, and/or sons and daughters. Toxicity comes in all manners of life from family to friends. They are the ones that keep us oppressed, verbally abusing us in all manners and ways, and just generally don't have an ounce of kindness or support in their bones.
These are the kinds of people that we have to walk away from. Yes, that means family too. Just because they are your family of origin doesn't mean that they have to be your family. This past May, I had to make a very crucial decision to walk away from ALL my family - both sides. Why? One side refused to acknowledge my abuse and the other side thinks my narcissistic mother could do no wrong. Neither side has been pleased with me being vocal about the abuse that lasted from3 years old until 18 years old. Which, in turn, caused me Severe Major Depression and PTSD. I also had to break contact with my daughter. She has own set of issues and refuses to get help for herself. As a result, she is verbally attacking me because I REFUSE to give her 100% of my time and stop my walk on my healing journey from abuse. So yes, it's hard. It's hard to let go. But ask yourself this question - How long do you want to keep on feeling this way? Don't you want to feel better? Don't you want to smile and be happy? I know I do. I don't see many of those days right now but when I get one day of that or even a couple of hours of that? I love it! I wouldn't though be able to move forward had I not let go of all the negative, toxic people in my life. They created more chaos, kept me discouraged, and just generally didn't care about my welfare. I am glad I made the decision I made. Because of it, I am able to move forward on my healing journey. Sometimes, though, it takes us awhile to figure out how to get that happiness. All it takes is a whisper of notion planted in our heads to show us and move us in the right direction. All it takes is for one positive, supportive, caring person to be there for us and with us on our journey to happiness so that we know we are not alone. But we have to make the decision to take that first step and willing to take that step and not look back. It's hard. I know it's hard. I went through the same thing. You know, when we are in our "dark place", we know that what decisions we make we ALWAYS know what the outcome is going to be - not a good one most of the time. But when we decide to move forward out of our "dark place"? It's scary and intimidating. We aren't sure if going in this other direction is going to work. But we have to try though. It's one avenue we haven't tried yet. So why not try it? What's the worse that could happen? Better yet, what's the best that could happen? Moving forward requires that we move out of our "comfort zone". In doing so, it makes us vulnerable - a place we don't like to be in. Being vulnerable makes us feel scared, naked, and alone. But it doesn't have to be that way. All we need is one person to start with. For me, that one person was a Trauma Counselor that deals ONLY with trauma issues such as assault, rape, domestic violence, etc. It started with her. Now, I have a few offline peeps that support me 100% as well as my husband, and a handful of online peeps that support me as well. Has my journey so far been easy? NO. NOT EVEN. In the beginning, I had emotions coming at me from out of no where. Those finally died down after about three weeks. My sleep pattern is bouncing back and forth - sometimes I can sleep with no help of a sleep aide and other times, I need a sleep aide to stay asleep. Flashbacks and nightmares have started - they come and go but don't stay long. I had to initiate NO CONTACT with all my family and my daughter. Do I feel alone? Yes. At times I do. But then, I have to stop to think that my life is so much better WITHOUT the added chaos and negativity from my family and daughter. Trying to move forward in order to heal is tough enough. Having negative, toxic people mixed with that? A NIGHTMARE. But since then, I have been a lot more calmer. I see my trauma counselor every week, I started a website about my healing journey (myjourneyofhealing.weebly.com.) And I don't feel so frantic, depressed or manic now. Will I still have my days where I'm down? Sure. It's part of the healing journey. But now I know that with the dark days, comes much brighter ones. It's hard to have self care when you never learned to how to do it in the first place. So I am posting this so everyone can remember this and take it to heart. All of us DESERVE to take care of ourselves, regardless of what our minds might be telling us at the time. One day, down the road, these Self Care Steps will be a part of life - a life where we our past no longer controls our present OR our future.
This is really true. Since I started my healing journey I have initiated NO CONTACT with all my negative, toxic family members. They don't care to give a damn about my healing journey much less support me. I don't have to listen to their absurd crap anymore. And because I don't, my life has been all the so better.
You see, I started to work on my abusive past and started to speak out against it. And because I have and still do that, no one likes that I'm doing that because I'm bringing a ton of stuff out into the open. No one wants me to do that. As a result, I can't even tell you all the crap they are saying about me. And I'm not going to even bother for it's not worth my time anymore. They think I've flipped my wig, gone wacko, and other such crap. I've been attacked because I talk about what's going on with my healing journey, talk about who has done what with me, and WON'T BACK DOWN. As one of them put it, "all you talk about is you". Yup, I sure do because for 40 years, I COULD NOT FOR FEAR OF RETALIATION, BACKLASH, AND LOSS OF MY FAMILY. NO MORE. All of them REFUSE TO SUPPORT ME. And when I mean all of them, I mean ALL OF THEM. IT'S MY HEALING JOURNEY, NOT THEIRS. WHEN THEY GO GET COUNSELING FOR THEIR OWN ISSUES AND START GAINING SOME UNDERSTANDING, THEY WILL REALIZE THAT THE CRAP THEY ARE THROWING AT ME IS HURTFUL, SPITEFUL, AND PURELY TOXIC AND MEAN. TO YOU IN MY FAMILY THAT CAN READ THIS, YOU CAN PASS THE WORD ON: I'M HERE AND I'M HERE TO STAY. I'M NOT GOING TO BACK OFF WHAT I'M DOING NOR WHAT I'M SAYING. YOUR DAYS OF THROWING NEGATIVE CRAP AT ME IS OVER AND I WILL NO LONGER TOLERATE YOUR CRAP. I love Snoopy Wisdom! For most, helping someone who needs help is no big deal. They will go out of their way to figure out a way to help them. And that's the key: FIGURING OUT A WAY TO HELP. When dealing with people have have been diagnosed with Depression, KNOW YOUR FACTS. Spend the time to want to know how to help someone with DEPRESSION. Know what is acceptable to say and what is not acceptable to say to a depressed person. If you really care for that person, DO THE HOMEWORK, GET THE FACTS, AND BECOME KNOWLEDGEABLE. You may be the only person in their life at that moment that can help them.
I want to know what life is like without PTSD. I want to know what life is like without Severe, Major Depression. What's it like? What's it like to sleep through the night without nightmares? What's it like to sleep through the night "like a baby"? What's it like to live life as I should and not as I have?
WHAT'S IT LIKE TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO ALL THESE QUESTIONS? |