After the extensive abuse I endured, I have not lived the life I was supposed to. Since my virginity, my identity, self esteem, and loss of self, I have been living on automatic and merely surviving - NOT LIVING. There is a difference. Since the abuse, my mind has been protecting me from the horrors of growing up. Not only did I lose everything about self, I was never taught life lessons that I should have learned growing up. As a result, all the decisions I ever made were centered around trying to escape the pain of my past in both memories and emotions. It is because of all the abuse and trauma is the reason why I acted the way I acted and made horrible decisions regarding my life. In hindsight, I realize that I was doing the best that I could do to survive - NOT LIVE. Having NO ONE to show me the correct things to live a productive life, I did the best I could do. Unfortunately, with my family, IT WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH.
Because of those decisions, I have been branded a horrible person and put into a negative light. Never mind that everything I did was because of the trauma and abuse. Never mind that I am not the only one to act this way with severe abuse and trauma. NO. THAT DOESN'T MATTER. In my families eyes, I am making excuses. In their eyes, I am a liar and a manipulator to not be trusted. It doesn't matter that for the past 5 years I have been standing on my own two feet with a nice apartment, things in my apartment, food in the pantry and refrigerator, and bills getting paid on time, in full every month. It doesn't matter that I'm seeing a trauma counselor in dealing with the issues of my abuse past. As far as they are concerned, I'm just lying about these things to get them off my back.
You know what the hardest thing for me to accept is? That I did the best that I could do with what I had for 40 years. Which is why I was only SURVIVING NOT THRIVING. Well my 40 year run ended October of last year when my mind, my body,and soul said "We can't go any more. It's time for you to help us. It's time to begin." And I couldn't not hear that - that unified voice came in LOUD AND CLEAR. Not to mentioned I was burned out, tired, drained in all areas - I was bankrupt within my self. I had no more resources to draw off of. Indeed, it was time.
So for the past 6 weeks I have been going through many things. Do I feel like I'm thriving? By definition, thriving is to grow or develop well or vigorously; prosper; flourish. I don't feel like I'm thriving as of yet. I'm going through a round robin of emotions of sadness, anger and hurt. And this is just what's sitting on the top of 40 years worth of pain, hurt and anger. I haven't EVEN gotten close to the old, nasty, horrible pain from childhood. THAT pain, I know, will be even worse than what I'm feeling. I've had that pain, hurt, and anger locked away deep inside me for 40 years. I have so many layers of that when I get close, I fear I won't be strong enough to handle that old dragon.
And I have this deep, down feeling that the actual memories of what happened will be attached to that emotional dragon. And THAT scare me most of all. I very afraid that I wont' be mentally strong enough to handle all that. I'm scared that if it comes out sooner than expected, I may do what I have always done to protect myself and go within my mind, block every thing out, and never come back to the real world. I am scared senseless over this happening.
I want to know what it's like to thrive. I want to know what life is like to live it as opposed to surviving it. I want to know what life is like without having Fear and Anxiety being steady at the helm. I want to know what it's like to just .... LIVE.
Because of those decisions, I have been branded a horrible person and put into a negative light. Never mind that everything I did was because of the trauma and abuse. Never mind that I am not the only one to act this way with severe abuse and trauma. NO. THAT DOESN'T MATTER. In my families eyes, I am making excuses. In their eyes, I am a liar and a manipulator to not be trusted. It doesn't matter that for the past 5 years I have been standing on my own two feet with a nice apartment, things in my apartment, food in the pantry and refrigerator, and bills getting paid on time, in full every month. It doesn't matter that I'm seeing a trauma counselor in dealing with the issues of my abuse past. As far as they are concerned, I'm just lying about these things to get them off my back.
You know what the hardest thing for me to accept is? That I did the best that I could do with what I had for 40 years. Which is why I was only SURVIVING NOT THRIVING. Well my 40 year run ended October of last year when my mind, my body,and soul said "We can't go any more. It's time for you to help us. It's time to begin." And I couldn't not hear that - that unified voice came in LOUD AND CLEAR. Not to mentioned I was burned out, tired, drained in all areas - I was bankrupt within my self. I had no more resources to draw off of. Indeed, it was time.
So for the past 6 weeks I have been going through many things. Do I feel like I'm thriving? By definition, thriving is to grow or develop well or vigorously; prosper; flourish. I don't feel like I'm thriving as of yet. I'm going through a round robin of emotions of sadness, anger and hurt. And this is just what's sitting on the top of 40 years worth of pain, hurt and anger. I haven't EVEN gotten close to the old, nasty, horrible pain from childhood. THAT pain, I know, will be even worse than what I'm feeling. I've had that pain, hurt, and anger locked away deep inside me for 40 years. I have so many layers of that when I get close, I fear I won't be strong enough to handle that old dragon.
And I have this deep, down feeling that the actual memories of what happened will be attached to that emotional dragon. And THAT scare me most of all. I very afraid that I wont' be mentally strong enough to handle all that. I'm scared that if it comes out sooner than expected, I may do what I have always done to protect myself and go within my mind, block every thing out, and never come back to the real world. I am scared senseless over this happening.
I want to know what it's like to thrive. I want to know what life is like to live it as opposed to surviving it. I want to know what life is like without having Fear and Anxiety being steady at the helm. I want to know what it's like to just .... LIVE.