Conversely, when a child is believed and supported in childhood, the effects of the abuse are significantly diminished. Many parents don’t learn about the abuse until their child is grown, but understanding and support remain important even for adult survivors.
We have asked survivors to share some of their feelings about their abuse and their parents’ reactions. This is yet a small collection told in their own words from their hearts.
"I Want To Be Heard and Believed"
“I wanted more than anything in the world for my mother to hear and believe me. I was told to shut up; she didn’t believe me because my father said I was a liar. Her reaction was literally, a sharp slap across my face. From that I learned I didn’t have a voice. I was never safe in my own home nor was I ever protected. I still can’t get my mother to see the pain I carry…I only wish that I could get her to understand that it’s not the sexual and physical abuse I endured that causes me ALL the pain. It is her DENIAL as well. Maybe it’s the child in me wanting a mother’s love but raping and beating me wasn’t the only thing that broke my heart…her DENIAL, LIES and BETRAYAL did.” ~Sue
"Let Me Know It’s Okay to Talk to You"
“You have NEVER let me talk to you about what happened because you get too emotional about it. How DARE you tell me to GET OVER IT, PUT IT IN THE PAST and SUCK IT UP! I went through it. It happened to me…and YOU want ME to be STRONG? You can’t even talk about it! It would have been so nice if you had ever asked if I wanted to talk about it.” ~Tammy
"Support Me in My Healing"
“It would have meant so much to me if my mother supported my healing. I never felt safe and protected as a child. If she offered her support now I would know I was worth being protected even if she didn’t see it then.” ~Beth
“I long to hear my mother say she’s proud that I had the courage to find the words to tell her that my step dad molested me. I would then know that she really loved me.” ~Rhonda
"Don’t Blame Me"
“I told my dad what my uncle did to me. He told me I shouldn’t have been wearing such a short dress and reminded me that we all knew Uncle John drank too much.
I get so angry when my dad treats me like it was MY fault. I’m the one who gets treated like I’ve done something bad. I wasn’t the abuser, I was the victim.”
~Shandra
“When I told my dad he accused me of being gay. He believes the only men who rape guys are gay and they only rape other gay men. “~Bryson
My Comments:
When I found the courage to speak out against the abuse (sexual, physical, emotional, mental, verbal) that happened to me, I was not expecting what I got. My dad's side of the family don't believe that it happened as bad as I say it did. As a result I have gotten the crappy Christian cliches of "forgive" and "let go and let God". They never experienced what I went through the first 18 years of my life. I asked them to do some research on how to support a trauma victim: THEY REFUSED AND TELL ME GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING. Yeah, whatever...
My step-dad and daughter have slung crappy comments to me, telling me that I'm nothing but a manipulative dope fiend and that my narcissistic mother could do no wrong. That came from my step dad who says that all I do is lie and that if I were doing good in my life, I would not be lying about the abuse my mother shelled out to me and is still shelling out to me. I have been told to "get over it" and to "stop being such a drama queen" from my daughter. The rest of my mother's side of the family believe anything and everything my step dad and mother tells them.
You know, I am doing good compared to 5 years ago: I've been clean and sober for 5 years, I have a home and things in my home. My bills have been paid every month for the past 5 years, and still have my husband by my side. 5 years ago me and hubby were living out on the streets as dope fiends for 2 years when I made the decision to leave him in order to get some help and save our marriage.
I've come a long way since my streets days and conquering a 40 year drug addiction. But I still have a long way to go and many things I need to learn, process, and grieve over. I've finally accepted (with the help of my Trauma Counselor) that I don't need Toxic People in my life for they spend their time and energy hurting me instead of supporting me. So for right now, why I'm only a month into my new healing journey, they (including my daughter) cannot be in my life. Now if things change and their hearts change and they are willing to support me, then I will welcome them with open arms... BUT NOT UNTIL THEN.