Beverly Engel
"The notion that we must honor our parents causes many people to bury their real feelings and set aside their own needs in order to have a relationship with people they would otherwise not associate with. Parents, like anyone else, need to earn respect and honor, and honoring parents who are negative and abusive is not only impossible but extremely self-abusive. Perhaps, as with anything else, honoring our parents starts with honoring ourselves. For many adult children, honoring themselves means not having anything to do with one or both of their parents.”
Beverly Engel
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While we are on our healing journey, we have learned that between memories of the past their are many, many layers of just emotions that are sitting there waiting to come out. For many survivors, there are days where we are blindsided by these layers of emotions. Sometimes they will be attached to a trigger which is attached to a memory. Other times, there is nothing attached to them.
When we ask ourselves "Why am I feeling this emotion? What caused it?", sometimes there will be no answer. Why? Because for many a survivor, we repressed much pain, hurt, and anger among other emotions between abuses and/or traumas. We didn't have a choice but to repress them. For many of us, showing those emotions in front of our abuser or even close enough for the abuser to hear and see us, had very dire consequences. So we repress all those emotions for many, many years... until the healing journey begins. The first time we get bombarded with that first layer of just emotions from the past, it's mind bending and crippling to say the least. We have forgotten what it's like to feel those feelings at that level. We tell ourselves to "Please stop. No more. I cannot handle it anymore." Yet it will stay but if only for a little while longer before it dies down. We have made it through the first onslaught of repressed emotions. Now it's time to allow ourselves to grieve over it for something that has been apart of us, our friend that attached itself to us so long ago, is no longer attached to us. And has come to light, breathed it's last breath, then died... never coming back to us ever again. And so we mourn the passing of an old friend. We mourn because it was with us for so long, and we mourn because we it will no longer be a part of us ever again. So now that we know this will occur off and on, we know what to expect, we know to let it come, let it breathe, then allow ourselves to mourn it's passing from our body, never to come back. Sometimes, the emotions will not be so painful. Other times we will want it to go away only to find out that it will not and that we just need to hang just for a little while longer that soon, the intensity will die down. We are learning to feel once again. It sucks that it happens this way for many of us. And we would like for it to go back where it came from. But once we begin our healing journey, we have essentially unlocked our inner box that holds our memories and our repressed feelings., throwing the key away forever, never allowing that key to come back into our lives. For we made a promise to ourselves to heal that which has been hurt, broken and destroyed so long ago. We made a promise that for the first time in our lives, that it's time to live the life that we should have lived. It is a life where our past no longer controls our present or our future. -- Peri While we are on our healing journey, doing the right thing for us is most terrifying. We contemplate, agonize, stress, and spend anyway we can to keep from moving forward in our healing journey. After all we are familiar with our old life, our old choices and the old results. We know that if we make "X" decision, we automatically know what the outcome will be.
But during our healing journey, we are on a different path. It is a path that we are taking where when we make decisions, we have no idea what the outcome will be. And not knowing the outcome is most terrifying and scary. Many thoughts roam our mind: "Will it be like before?" "Will someone hurt me if I decide this?" "Will I be able to keep on moving forward if I make this decision?" All these questions are normal to have and normal to feel. We ask these questions because we are learning to trust ourselves and our decisions. We lean on positive, supporting and caring people that we trust to gain information from before we make our decision. After all, the positive ones have "been there and done that" and know what the outcome will be. It is us that don't know. So we take a chance once more, gathering every bit of strength that we have within ourselves and make our decision and are okay with that decision. Why? Because we are making decisions to better ourselves and heal ourselves and learning to be okay with what we decide. -- Peri One of the deepest sources of pain for the survivors of sexual abuse is the lack of support from family members, especially from our parents. Over and over again, survivors of abuse have expressed the feeling that as horrendous as sexual abuse is, it’s the abandonment and betrayal of their parents that hurt the most.
Conversely, when a child is believed and supported in childhood, the effects of the abuse are significantly diminished. Many parents don’t learn about the abuse until their child is grown, but understanding and support remain important even for adult survivors. We have asked survivors to share some of their feelings about their abuse and their parents’ reactions. This is yet a small collection told in their own words from their hearts. "I Want To Be Heard and Believed" “I wanted more than anything in the world for my mother to hear and believe me. I was told to shut up; she didn’t believe me because my father said I was a liar. Her reaction was literally, a sharp slap across my face. From that I learned I didn’t have a voice. I was never safe in my own home nor was I ever protected. I still can’t get my mother to see the pain I carry…I only wish that I could get her to understand that it’s not the sexual and physical abuse I endured that causes me ALL the pain. It is her DENIAL as well. Maybe it’s the child in me wanting a mother’s love but raping and beating me wasn’t the only thing that broke my heart…her DENIAL, LIES and BETRAYAL did.” ~Sue "Let Me Know It’s Okay to Talk to You" “You have NEVER let me talk to you about what happened because you get too emotional about it. How DARE you tell me to GET OVER IT, PUT IT IN THE PAST and SUCK IT UP! I went through it. It happened to me…and YOU want ME to be STRONG? You can’t even talk about it! It would have been so nice if you had ever asked if I wanted to talk about it.” ~Tammy "Support Me in My Healing" “It would have meant so much to me if my mother supported my healing. I never felt safe and protected as a child. If she offered her support now I would know I was worth being protected even if she didn’t see it then.” ~Beth “I long to hear my mother say she’s proud that I had the courage to find the words to tell her that my step dad molested me. I would then know that she really loved me.” ~Rhonda "Don’t Blame Me" “I told my dad what my uncle did to me. He told me I shouldn’t have been wearing such a short dress and reminded me that we all knew Uncle John drank too much. I get so angry when my dad treats me like it was MY fault. I’m the one who gets treated like I’ve done something bad. I wasn’t the abuser, I was the victim.” ~Shandra “When I told my dad he accused me of being gay. He believes the only men who rape guys are gay and they only rape other gay men. “~Bryson My Comments: When I found the courage to speak out against the abuse (sexual, physical, emotional, mental, verbal) that happened to me, I was not expecting what I got. My dad's side of the family don't believe that it happened as bad as I say it did. As a result I have gotten the crappy Christian cliches of "forgive" and "let go and let God". They never experienced what I went through the first 18 years of my life. I asked them to do some research on how to support a trauma victim: THEY REFUSED AND TELL ME GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING. Yeah, whatever... My step-dad and daughter have slung crappy comments to me, telling me that I'm nothing but a manipulative dope fiend and that my narcissistic mother could do no wrong. That came from my step dad who says that all I do is lie and that if I were doing good in my life, I would not be lying about the abuse my mother shelled out to me and is still shelling out to me. I have been told to "get over it" and to "stop being such a drama queen" from my daughter. The rest of my mother's side of the family believe anything and everything my step dad and mother tells them. You know, I am doing good compared to 5 years ago: I've been clean and sober for 5 years, I have a home and things in my home. My bills have been paid every month for the past 5 years, and still have my husband by my side. 5 years ago me and hubby were living out on the streets as dope fiends for 2 years when I made the decision to leave him in order to get some help and save our marriage. I've come a long way since my streets days and conquering a 40 year drug addiction. But I still have a long way to go and many things I need to learn, process, and grieve over. I've finally accepted (with the help of my Trauma Counselor) that I don't need Toxic People in my life for they spend their time and energy hurting me instead of supporting me. So for right now, why I'm only a month into my new healing journey, they (including my daughter) cannot be in my life. Now if things change and their hearts change and they are willing to support me, then I will welcome them with open arms... BUT NOT UNTIL THEN. Holidays and narcissists. Ripe opportunities for them to grand stand, hold you hostage due to "custom", and generally make your life completely miserable. For those of us with malignantly narcissist mothers I am convinced Mother's Day is the worst holiday of the year.
Narcissist mothers have a death grip on the day. They cling to the expectations of recognition, praise, gifts and adulation with tenacious zeal. This is the day you have to "honor" her. A whole day set aside by the culture itself which means if you don't please your mother on this Day of all days you risk the disapproval of society itself, in addition to your petulant, selfish and bratty mother's persecutions. She makes full use of the pressure of society to conform you to ritual. Pleasing her on this day is the trickiest of endeavors. Land mines are set for your feet. One miss step and the whole day blows up in your face...and you will be tortured for your failure for months to come. Mother's Day is coming and you are waking up in a cold sweat as to how to do enough to please your bitch of a mother while all you want to do is run to another continent so you don't have to face the obligations this day represents. Can we stop right here? Mother's Day was not a day to "celebrate" abusive, selfish and evil mothers. It is a day set aside to honor truly good mothers. If your mother is the kind that inspires dread of Mother's day then can you just stop for a minute and realize she deserves no such honor? When you "honor" such a mother as yours it really cheapens the meaning of the day, wouldn't you say? You're an adult now. You can make decisions without asking for mommy's approval. You can do things she positively hates and there is nothing she can really do about it. If she misbehaves because you give her what she deserves then punish her. Punishment by banishment. That is what she deserves. The only way to get free of the tyranny of your narcissistic mother is to first free yourself of the expectations of society. You have to be willing to endure a disapproving look or statement here or there from people who don't know anything about your life with an abusive mother. You can ease this process by keeping your relationship with your mother mostly to yourself. Don't confide in people who haven't already shown that they would be able to "get" what your narcissist mother is like. You'll have to put up with a lot less disapproval if you mostly keep your mouth shut. The next step, after you've freed yourself to go against societal convention, is to now act in accordance with how you feel about her. Give her what she deserves on this day. That means different things to different persons and situations. If you don't break out into a sweat in the card section of Hallmark, then by all means, send her a card. If you can't endure the thought of Mother's Day because of what she turns it into no matter what you do...then what she deserves is nothing. The difference between a good mother's attitude and a narcissist mother's attitude about her children is this: a good mother realizes she bears the responsibility of bringing a life into the world and must do everything she can to support and add to that life, not subtract from it. The Narcissistic mother sees her children as a perpetual resource to support her life. They are there to serve her. To her dying day. A Narcissistic mother's children are never allowed to actually own their lives. She always holds the deed to their lives and forces them to pay rent on that deed all their miserable lives. A good mother doesn't subtract from her children's lives; she makes sure her actions add quality and happiness to her children's lives. There is no point when a good mother feels entitled to subtract from their lives. She forever bears the responsibility that she brought them into this world therefore she never feels like she can mooch off of a life that didn't get a choice for being born. A N mother turns motherhood from a responsibility to a God-like position. I brought you into this world, so you owe me. She, as your Creator God, exacts worship and obeisance forever and ever, amen. Completely upside down thinking which springs from their utterly selfish world view. Save Mother's Day for the good mothers out there. Don't cheapen the day by paying homage to a black caricature of motherhood. Be honest with yourself and live honestly with others. From Children of the Self Absorbed:
A Grownup's Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents by Nina Brown 1. Turns every conversation to him or herself. 2. Expects you to meet his or her emotional needs 3. Ignores the impact of his or her negative comments on you. 4. Constantly criticizes or berates you and knows what is best for you. 5. Focus' on blaming rather than taking responsibility for his or her own behavior. 6. Expects you to jump at his or her every need. 7. Is overly involved with his or her own hobbies, interests or addictions ignoring your needs. 8. Has high need for attention: Brags, sulks, complains, inappropriately teases, is flamboyant, loud and boisterous. 9. Is closed minded about own mistakes. Can't handle criticism and gets angry to shut off the criticism. 10. Becomes angry when his or her needs are not met and has tantrums or intimidates. 11. Has an attitude of "Anything you can do, I can do better". 12. Engages in one-upmanship to seem important. 13. Acts in a seductive manner or is overly charming. 14. Is vain and fishes for compliments. Expects you to admire him or her. 15. Isn't satisfied unless he or she has the "biggest" or "best". 16. Seeks status. Spends money to impress others. 17. Forgets what you have done for them yet keeps reminding you that you owe them today. 18. Neglects the family to impress others. Does it all: Is a super person to gain admiration. 19. Threatens to abandon you if you don't go along with what he or she wants. 20. Does not obey the law--sees himself or herself above the law. 21. Does not expect to be penalized for failure to follow directions or conform to guidelines. 22. Ignores your feelings and calls you overly sensitive or touchy if you express feelings. 23. Tells you how you should feel or not feel. 24. Cannot listen to you and cannot allow your opinions. 25. Is more interested in his or her own concerns and interests than yours. 26. Is unable to see things from any point of view other than his or her own. 27. Wants to control what you do and say--tries to micromanage you. 28. Attempts to make you feel stupid, helpless and inept when you do things on your own. 29. Has poor insight and can not see the impact his or her selfish behavior has on you. 30. Has shallow emotions and interests. 31. Exploits others with lies and manipulations. 32. Uses emotional blackmail to get what he or she wants. When the adult survivor of emotional child abuse separates themselves from the birth family, they often upset the family’s self-image, reputation, or order of business, which leads to a backlash from relatives, friends, and, at times, even spouses. (At The Invisible Scar, we’ve heard of all varieties of backlash that adult survivors have endured.)
My Comments: Because I have been vocal about the emotional abuse that went on in the family, I already know that I will getting backlash AND the SILENT TREATMENT from everyone in my family that is close to me. It's already happening now. EVERYONE has gone silent on me, because they are upset and furious over me by speaking out on the truth. DISBELIEF: The adult survivor finds mutual friends or family members not believing the adult survivor’s account of their upbringing. My Comments: I have this going on now. No one on either side of my family believes the abuse incurred to me by my father (sexual, emotional, verbal, mental abuse) or my mother (emotional abuse). Everyone would rather believe in the lie that they are kind and loving people for that's how they portray themselves out in public. GUILT: The adult survivor may find friends and relatives badgering the adult survivor in continuing the relationship with the abusive parents. Some comments include: "You’re just abandoning them over a silly old fight!”. No. The decision to go No Contact may seem sudden, but emotional child abuse is a lifelong campaign by the abusive parent against the child. What a mutual relative or friend sees is not the complete picture. Never. My Comments: And I find this to be true as an adult. As a result of me speaking out, I will be blacklisted from the family from now on. When family gatherings come about, I will not be invited. Should any weddings occur in the family, I will not be invited. Why? Because I chose to speak the truth and not keep the lie going. Your parents are old. They’re not going to be around for much longer.” You reap what you sow. In most cases, an emotionally abused child has spent his childhood doing everything possible to win the love of the parent. We’ve heard adult survivors share stories of emotionally abused children taking on parental responsibilities. In other words, the emotionally abused child was given the role of the parent and forced to give the abusive parent unconditional love, support, understanding, etc., and the child received nothing back. Now that the adult child is grown, the adult child does not need to keep doing that. The parents have to deal with the consequences of having been abusive parents. They have to deal with the repercussions of having abused their children. My Comments: Unfortunately, I've already had my daughter make this statement to me. What's sad is that she doesn't realize that she, too, was forced to give unconditional love, support and understanding to my mother when she was a child. I only wish that she could see that the abuse is still continuing in her life today. “Your parents did the best they could.” So? Just because an abusive parent didn’t mean to be abusive, that doesn’t mean the behavior wasn’t abusive. And it doesn’t mean the adult survivor needs to continue putting himself/herself in the direct path of an abuser. An adult survivor who goes No Contact is protecting themselves from the abuse, whether the abusive parent was subconsciously or consciously acting. SILENCE. The adult survivor may find mutual friends and relatives choosing a side—and they will choose the parent. That’s fine. Let them go. They deserve each other and can get entangled in their own web of lies, deceit, and secrets. But you, adult survivor, live in the light, live in the truth. Being in the truth alone is better than being in the deceit together. My Comments: Unfortunately, this is already happening. Relatives on my dad's side of the family believe that my father is a loving and caring person. People on my mother's side of the family believe that she is a loving caring person as well. And that's fine. I've grown tired of having to live a lie just to protect the abusers in my life. I WILL NO LONGER LIE TO PROTECT THEM. And because I have chosen this path is the reason why I have absolutely NO FAMILY MEMBERS on either side that believe in the truth about these abusers. That's their decision and they can stick with it. For me? It's time to start letting the truth out so I can begin my healing process. |