I know better than to not write -- it's not good for me. I tend to slide backwards on everything and I have. When I stayed on top of my writings, I felt like I was moving forward in my healing.
And when I felt like I was moving forward, I was able to do something around the house and keep up with it on a daily basis. Which is a big accomplishment for me. When I'm not into my mind with my thoughts, I am able to focus on what's going on around me.
But I see now that the past two weeks was nothing but a facade -- smoke and mirrors. Once again, everything around me has gone by the wayside. I'm in that "I just don't really care right now" mode. And all I've been thinking about is wanting to stay in bed all the time.
I've been feeling more tired than normal. Maybe it's because I don't ever take any time off from cooking. I cook twice a day EVERY DAY. I will go on for months like that until I get to burn out stage...
Ah geez... that's it. Well.. some of it. I'm at the beginning of burn out again from cooking so much. I have got to get the hubby to understand that he's got to be willing to cook breakfast for himself.
But what sucks about that is I have to ASK to get that time off. If I go at him and say first thing in the morning that I'm not going to cook, it's a major fight for 1/2 the damn day. We've had this discussion before and he always says "All you got to do is remind me." Remind him? Why should I? Why can't he take it upon himself to offer to cook? I know that his health isn't that good and he can't stand up for too terrible long. But he can at least stand long enough to cook breakfast and give me a break.
He offered to do that for me today but I had already made a decision to make pancakes for breakfast. Homemade pancakes are the way to go - but it's something my hubby doesn't know how to fix. So I cooked this morning.
But I did ask Him that when he did want to cook for me in the morning, to let me know the night before so that I could take out a breakfast meat out of the freezer that won't take long for him to cook in order to cut down on the time standing.
That's just a small part of it. I had triggers going on and emotional flashbacks, and a memory flashback that I didn't write about that's still running loose in my head that I need to get out. But it's after midnight now, and I'm beat.
So I gather this might not be my last time I do this. I'm a healing in progress. Baby steps at a time. I just got to remember to keep on moving forward and not be willing to go backwards....