"If you know who you are, then don't let the hurtful words of others affect you! You aren't defined by the insecurities of others." - Meghan Ann Hargis
You know, it's really tough to not let others negative comments affect me. Since I was 3 years old, nothing nice was ever said to me by my father. Nothing but negativity, putting me down, tearing me down verbally, making me feel like I wasn't worth the breath that God gave me.
Then came the high school years with my narcissistic mother. Her kind words of "love" were interlaced with negativity of all kinds. With her you got kindness but there always was a "BUT" attached to that kindness. This continued on until I left the house after high school.
I spent many years being told negative things about me for 15 years. That's 15 years of not knowing anything else BUT THAT. So for me when people tore me apart negatively, it affected much as it did being around my father and mother. It hurt all the way down to my soul.
Fast forward to today. I was in great spirits all day long having accomplished a major feat with my blog! I got 20 great and fantastic review EXCEPT for 2 of them. And I regret now for sending them the link to my blog site. The first one really pissed me the fuck off telling me that "Beth Moore never elaborates on who her abuser was or the specifics of the abuse because the enemy receives glory by the hashing out of ugly details. He drives that wedge into families and relationships."
This is the kind of christian crap that I have come to absolutely hate. Why? Because I am being told that I should not be specific about my abuse, not talk about it in public but should talk about it with only my counselor. I really have come to hate fucking people that hide behind the veil of God by telling an abuse survivor to not speak out against the abuser in public. Instead, they are supposed to keep everything quiet. PURE BULLSHIT.
People need to fucking get a clue card in regards to dispensing advice to abuse survivors. Problem is, many of them don't. They don't understand that when an abuse survivor gets told the crap that I was told today about keeping the details quiet is IN FACT, ALLOWING THE ABUSE TO GO ON, ALLOWING THE ABUSER TO NEVER BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE, AND IS PUTTING THE SURVIVOR THROUGH TRAUMA ALL OVER AGAIN.
I have a Christian Trauma Counselor that works for a non-profit secular organization. She HAS NOT told me that I could never exercise my voice. She told me that I could and to do so in the manner I so choose in order to help me heal. And I am doing just that.
At first I was speaking out on Face book, but that was giving me too much stress because I still couldn't talk freely. Anytime I said my father did this or my mother did that, everyone that knows me knew who I was talking about. It caused me too much stress. So under the advice of my husband, I created this blog. And I tell you what - it's like the weight of the world has come off my shoulders.
But I digress.
The second person that I sent my website address to, I was expecting to hear good things about my site on how I built this damn thing without anyone helping me. I sat at the computer last Saturday for 10 hours getting everything just right before I started loading content from the beginning of my healing journey into it. Instead of "Congratulations! Nice job! Site was put together well!", I got "You need to start talking more about your accomplishments than repeating yourself on what hasn't been done."
You FUCKING BITCH. THIS...IS...MY... HEALING JOURNEY. NOT FUCKING YOURS. YOU DON'T KNOW A DAMN THING ABOUT ME OR WHERE I COME FROM. I expected a sensible adult to make comments about my site. Instead all I got was what I NEEDED TO DO in her eyes. You know what? FUCK YOU. I gave people like you 40 years of my life in order to make all of you happy. NO MORE.
So am I pissed off? YOU BET. I am pissed off beyond belief. These people are shallow, dispense advice without information about me to back them up and then I guess they feel justified in telling me the "truth" according to them. Well, no more. This is MY LIFE, MY HEALING JOURNEY. NOT THEIRS.
So I have to learn. I have to learn that there are mean, inconsiderate, people out there that don't have a clue as to how to deal with an abuse survivor. I have to learn to not allow these people's comments to affect me like it did today. But I have to try. It's not something that's going to get fixed over night. It's going to take some time. And how ever long it takes? IS HOW EVER LONG IT TAKES.