I don't feel like that I deserve it nor can I be happy about it. I just don't know how to change it - there are no options. But that is where my counselor corrected me. As an adult, I do have options. As a child, I didn't have any.
And that is where I'm stuck at. I'm stuck at listening to the past in thinking that I have no options and no abilities to be able to change. But I do. I just have to listen to the right "voice" in determining if I have options or not.
Ergo, the changing of the old tapes into the new tapes. It isn't easy - I've been listening to those old tapes for a very long tape. Sure they're are about as negative can be but when one is taught that for the first 18 years of her life and nothing else, then that is all there is.
So I've got to start teaching myself to see things as they are and not as they were. I have to start to look at things through adult eyes instead of my child eyes. Doesn't mean I'm not nurturing my inner child - I still am. I'm just allowing myself to slowly grow up. I have to just decide if I want to still live in fear (my 6 year old self) or start living as an adult.
So my "assignment" per se, is to try to catch one thing that comes into my mind as negative and turn it into a positive. Not as easy as it sounds. I'm so attuned to the negative, that I don't even know when I'm thinking negatively or speaking negatively. It's just been the norm for me for so long.
So I shall see how this goes....